Fable of a Female Outfielder

Fable of a Female Outfielder

Once upon a time there was a baseball star

Her name was Honey, and her manager, Garr.

The team was average but don’t you know

Honey, the right-field catcher, stole the show

Honey was amazing, no ball could get past

And she gave it her all, right to the last

She ran so fast to chase them flies down

That she became famous town after town

But, alas, a new player came to the team

Garr took one look and started to dream

Vinny was a beauty and had her own glove

He knew right then he was truly in love

He posted his Vinny in Honey’s right field

When questioned by the owner, he refused to yield.

During the very next game Vinney showed her class

When she dropped the ball and fell on her ass.

The cry went up, “Get Honey back out!”

It looked like the team would get their first rout.

But when Garr, so smitten, refused to comply

The others got angry and yelled, “Why, why?”

Pointing his finger and speaking so gruff

The owner was angry, and it wasn’t a bluff

He said, “This won’t do.  You’ve gone way too far.

You have to use Honey to catch flies, not Vinny, Garr.”



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Copyright © 2016 Lawrence Entertainment Group

My Writing Work-Day

My Writing Work-Day

     Actually, I’m a street person and work out of my Walmart grocery cart.  How do I get electricity to run all of my equipment…I’m sure you’re wondering?  I have a small windmill that’s connected to a generator that’s tied to the front of my basket, which works just fine, but only when the wind is blowing. 
       It does get annoying when the wind is calm and I have to push my basket very fast while I’m typing as quickly as I can.  And when it rains and there’s no wind, I have to do all of that, plus hold my umbrella overhead so my computer doesn’t get wet.  
       But the worst part is the lightning: while holding the umbrella, pushing the cart and typing so fast, I must wear a heavy chain on my ankle and let it drag behind me so, if the lightning strikes, I’ll be grounded and my computer won’t get cooked.  
       Other than that, everything is hunky dory, and I’m able to write the fine novels and poems that you may enjoy reading.  
       Yep, it doesn’t get any better than this.


Click here to view novels by A. E. Lawrence

Copyright © 2016 Lawrence Entertainment Group

In Your Face Greeting Cards (Updated)

In your face greeting cards (For the people you love to hate)

(Care enough to send the very worst)

 

      "She said"..."He said"

              Outside..........(open up).............. Inside

Love is never having to say you're sorry----------I'm sorry.

You're exactly the same as you were in high school----------Stupid!

I fondly remember our long walks in the park----------I still have your leash and muzzle

If wishes were horses----------You'd be wearing a saddle

I remember the very first words you ever said to me---------That'll be twenty bucks, cash up front

You were the most popular girl in school----------I should know.  I waited in line enough times

Yours is a face that could launch a thousand ships-----------Enough champagne has gone into it.

I booked two seats on flight 748------------Have a good flight.

I measure all other women by you------------You're exactly three feet wide.

Everything I have I owe to you-------------Your attorney saw to that!

You introduced me to the finer things in life------------Sally, Mary, Karen and Judy.

I wish you were here------------And I were there with your sister.

You’re the perfect companion for me------------I can't afford a dog.

Congratulations on your win!-----------You won the Best of Breed.

You’re the best thing that ever happened to me-----------That’s why I’m so depressed.

The sex was great last night-----------Too bad you weren’t there.

You’ve got the perfect body-----------For pulling a plow.

I hold you in awe------------You’re awkward and awful.

Your love made me the man I am today-----------A homosexual.

Wouldn’t it be something if our walls could talk?-----------Then maybe you’d shut up.

You’ve given me so much-----------Clap, syphilis, crabs….

Roses are red violets are blue-----------I love another but got stuck with you.

When you smile, you light up the room----------How do you keep your dentures so bright?

You were my first love-----------And the last

You’re the wind in my sails-----------A big blowhard.

I sweat just thinking about you----------Just think if I actually had to touch you!

You’re always in my thoughts------------That’s why I’m so paranoid.

I worship the ground you stand on-----------But not you.

I dreamt of you last night------------And I woke up screaming.

Please don’t tell me you’re leaving me-----------Just go.

I placed you on a pedestal----------Just to get you off my back.

Leaves are green and so is grass-----------I took you out once then ditched your sorry ass.

You gave me the best years of your life-----------Now I’m stuck with your worst years.

Ours was a May/December romance------------I met you in May and dumped you in December.

I don’t care what people say about you-------------

You make a big impression on people-----------Take a bath.

Violets are blue and roses are red-----------Do me a favor and just drop dead.

I’m so blue now that you left me-----------Blue from laughing so hard.

With your looks you should be a model-----------A model tank.

Your skin is like peaches and cream-----------All greasy and pitted.

They said our marriage would never last------------It seems that everyone is wiser than me.

Finding you was like a fairytale come true-----------You’re the Wicked Witch of the West.

It searched the world over to find you----------I must have looked under a thousand rocks.

How do I love thee?  Let me count the ways-----------Zero, Zilch, Nada….

Ours is the perfect relationship-----------You love me; I hate you.

My love for you is like a tempest------------In a tea pot.

I would climb the highest mountain-----------Just to get away from you.

You’re the most beautiful woman in the world-----------Absent the rest of the women in the world.

Your new hair style suits you perfectly-----------I call it the Medusa look.

Twinkle, twinkle little star-----------I’d rather love you from afar.

Click here to view novels by A. E. Lawrence

Copyright © 2016 Lawrence Entertainment Group