Books That Were Never Written

Books that were never written
(and maybe shouldn’t be)

Devil Winds….by Tor Nados, Harry Canes and Ty Foons

Peek-a-Boo…by I. C. Yew

The Joy of Living a Humble Life…by Ari Gant

To Kill a Bird…by Stone Caster

How to Raise a Dinosaur…by T. Rex

My Secret Relationships…by Phil Anderer

Diseases: Signs and Symptoms…by Di A. Gnosus
How to Make Delicious Deserts…by Sal E. Vating

How to Please Women…by Roman Tick

Don’t be a Crybaby…by B. A. Mann

How to Raise a Brat…by Molly Koddle

The Life of a Male Secretary…by Dick Tation

The Long-Winded Politician…by Phil I. Bustre

Practicing Safe Sex…by Don A. Condem

How I Was Made Whole…by Frank N. Stine

The School Yard Bully…by Ura Meenie

The Art of Teasing Girls…by George E. Porgy
My Life as a Baby…by A. Todd Lure

How to Stay Calm & Collected…by Fran Ticke

Marilyn Monroe’s Pin-Up Poster…by Ann I. Popper

Empty Pumpkins Make Good Containers…by Peter Peeter
Having Fun With Words…by Anna Gramm
The Dangers of Lit Candles…by Jack B. Kwick

Red, Red Robin…by Bob N. Alonge

How to Entertain Your Children…by Patty Kake

I’m All Wound Up…by Vic Trola

My World Turned Up-Side-Down…by Tops C. Turvy

Turbulent Waters…by Mal Strumm

Litigation in a Nut Shell…by Sue M. Goode

Tempest Unfolding…by T. Pott

Caring For the Elderly…by Jerry Atricks

Rushing to the Safely of Home…by Olly Infree

Homemade Cakes & Pies…by Dee Lishus

Why I Chose to Become a Psychiatrist…by I. M. A. Syko

The Fight of My Life…by Donny Brooke

How to Thooth Aching Muthles…by I. M. Thor
Planning Exciting Parties…by Mary Mente

Everybody Picking On Me…by Bee Seeged

Let’s Get Together…by U. N. Mee

Confronting Contradictory Qualities…by Dick O. Tommy

Here I Come…by Red E. Ornotte

My Book of Poetry…by Bo Ring

Our Son, King Kong…by Harry Parents

Old MacDonald’s Farm…by E. I. Oh

Ten Speech-Giving Strategies…by Oral Lee

My Life With Ken…by Barb E. Doll

Always Tell the Truth…by Frank Lee

Bugging Out…by Jim N. E. Crickette

On a Dare…by Will E. Dooette

The Best Ride In Town...by Rick Shawe

Getting Chosen…by O. Y. Mee
I Remarried My Ex…by R. U. Nutts

The Study of Fossils…by Dina Soore

Attention!...by Carrie Ohn

Germaphobia…by Mike Robes

Don’t Mess With Me…by Tom E. Gunn

Staying Calm in Adversity…by Phil A. Sofical

A Journey Begins With a Decision…by Manny Rhoads

The Great Desert Storm…by Sandy Winds

Ten Below Zero…by Rose E. Cheeks

Party Time…by Marty Graw

Clear Skies…by Sunny Day
The Polar Bear Club…by I. C. Waters

Click here to view novels by A. E. Lawrence

Copyright © 2016 Lawrence Entertainment Group

What are the odds?

What Are The Odds?

     The burglar had a bag of loot at the back door.  But before he left he took a damp cloth and wiped down every surface he had touched.  Then he vacuumed all of the carpets and mopped the kitchen floor to get rid of any telltale evidence.  Thus, he made a clean get-a-way.

   

     There was a serial killer who always killed his victims by putting them in a freezer and setting the temperature at exactly one degree Fahrenheit.  After an exhaustive investigation, the authorities finally caught the guy and took him to trial.  And, wouldn't you know, when the verdict came in, he was found guilty of six counts of first degree murder.     

     The police were baffled by a burglar with an unusual modes operandi.  It seems the guy always opened all of the doors that were closed and closed all of the doors that were open before he left.  It took a while before they caught him but, when they did, they had no trouble convicting him.  Because it was an open-and-shut case.

Click here to view novels by A. E. Lawrence

Copyright © 2016 Lawrence Entertainment Group

My Masterpiece, Me

My Masterpiece, Me
(Dedicated to Chicki)

Thinking up questions is what I do best.

What about me, my things and all of the rest?

I toil and I struggle for your motherly love,

I try to be worthy, push comes to shove.

I offer you my work, please be my guest.

Will my latest creation meet your meant test?

I’m an artist of beauty, my canvas is me.

My soul and my mind have both been set free.

This work is much better than yesterday’s picture.

Such extraordinary colors and quality of mixture.

I’m tickled to think of how happy you’ll be.

I must giggle and wiggle and slap at my knee.

You enter and find me hard at my chore.

But you crinkle your nose and want even more.

You leave me uncertain, how can I stay,

When you treat me like a child day after day?

Is this why you made me, simply to ignore?

Will your indifference send me straight out the door?

I implore you, I beg you to look at your prize.

But you snigger and snicker and avert your cruel eyes.

Why don’t speak frankly and tell me I’m bad.

I’m your daughter and love you, but you make me so mad.

Are you so grown up, so perfect and truly so wise?

Is my gift way too little; is it just a matter of size?

Then without warning, you reach right on by.

You completely ignore my startled half-cry.

The handle’s depressed, the water gushes down.

And my poor little poopy goes round and round.

As you wipe me so gently, I shudder my sorrow.

“Oh, well.  I can make another one tomorrow.

Click here to view novels by A. E. Lawrence

Copyright © 2016 Lawrence Entertainment Group

The Estate

The Estate

(Dedicated to a friend)

The singular place I don’t want to be

Is the worldly sphere of antipathy.

A far better sanctum incredibly great

Is my very own niche in my Master’s Estate.

An exclusive retreat in a bastion of granite,

The most sought after abode on the entire planet.

My castle is brimmed with abundance of treasure,

With peace and contentment beyond any measure.

I walk the straight path with peers of my creed

And revel in the fact that my soul had been freed.

Kept happy and safe by guardians galore,

Entertained, respected and pampered to core.

Plied daily with platters of exquisite cuisine,

Amused by court jesters the best I have seen.

Attired to the nines in gaudy array,

I amble about blithely to fritter the day.

A stable of ladies dressed gaily in red,

To share in the comforts including my bed.

My bankroll redoubles with each breath that I take,

And my subjects toil daily just for my sake.

No homestead so grand though some will disdain,

They would entreat you to believe that I am insane.

But I leave it to you my brethren repenten

As I sign of with love from my cell in San Quentin.

Click here to view novels by A. E. Lawrence

Copyright © 2016 Lawrence Entertainment Group

Hurray, Hurray!

Hurray, Hurray

Hurray, Hurray, I’m going away

With the man in the little white coat.

This is how it began:

He picked me up for a ride one day

For a picnic I was told,

But his convertible’s top was down

And the January wind was cold.

Hurray, Hurray, I’m going away

With the man in the little white coat.

This is what happened:

I shivered, shook and quivered

And my nose spewed greenish snot.

Finally, he offered me a coat to wear

With long arms that tied in a knot.

Hurray, Hurray, I’m going away

With the man in the little white coat.

This is what I said:

“Your kindness overwhelms me, Sir.

But the knot is very tight.

My arms will not give an inch

When I pull with all of my might."

Hurray, Hurray, I’m going away

With the man in the little white coat.

This is what he did:

Turning to me, grinning like a cat,

He stepped handily on the gas.

Then he exclaimed joyfully, 

"The County now owns your ass."

Hurray, Hurray, I’m going away

With the man in the little white coat.

This was my reaction:

“A rather fine car you have, Sir,

Though constructed rather surreal

I hope it gets us to the Farm

Before the evening meal.

Hurray, Hurray, I'm going away

With the man in the little white coat.

This is what he said:

"The wheels are square,

and the windshield's black.

You drive it crazy,

And it drives you back."

Hurry, Hurray, I’m going away

With the man in the little white coat.

Whoo, whoo!

Click here to view novels by A. E. Lawrence

Copyright © 2016 Lawrence Entertainment Group

Kal

Kal

Az me an da ol laidi wuz trayp-sen bout da wuuds wun dai

Wee mete dis fella maid of grene stuf sitten on da hey

Eth-l, mi luv, wuz cur…cur-i-us, so wee snuck up reel kwite

An wee wuz treet’d to wun hek uv a mar-bel-is site.

Da cree-chur wuz bangen his noggin wiff aul sort-ment uv roks

Hummen aut loude an eaten sqir…wigli tings frum a bigg ol bokz

Eazin clos-r an clos-r an clos-r wee cood heer wat he sed

Wee lissen in maizunt as he sunge an bopt doz stonz on hiz hed.

Duwanka, duwanka, duanka, moot-loo-d’may

Kin-ani, kin-ani, kin-ani, octo-aymos, me-me-nay

Pu-dini, an-too-too, be nnn-nnnn, say-ho

Lid-oso,lid-oso, lid-oso, mmm-mmm, pie-lo

I aint zactly no jen-i…I aint zackly no smarti butt I aint so dum

Dat I doan no gud poe…poe-tree dat com frum dat bum.

Eth-l muss a-gree wit me cuz shee git up an danzs aul bout

I coont stop hur az shee wigl and twurl an hol-r an showt

But dat funi looken rime-ster aul dek-t aut so scali and grene

Kep popen deem bugs an spidy an acken lyke he not be sene

He stan up, I gess, couse hiz tors…tors…hiz body git long-r

An he startz wav-n his sics armz az hiz poem-n git strong-r

T’coomo, cam-cam, leeo-leeto, bomo-bo, bam, tis

Ramosi, ramosi, ramosi, can-no-no, bita dis

Dykee-bool-bool, sibi-bool, tando-nod, fu-jank

Alt-ibi, atl-ibi, alt-ibi, cum tasi, na-na fank

If dat wernt da dangdess ting tu wit…to sea wit deez ol ize

Him singen, poemen and choowen wit moufs uv free diff-ert syz

Butt Eth-k not notis deez weer…weer…strayng tings he du

An she git so ec-cite-d shee maik move I don’t know shee new

I coont reely blaim her dow, cuz da poamen wuz reel kul

Sow I gitz up frum mi sori but an startz juggin lyk a sili fuul

Aul dis raket maik dat son tern ta us an cleer aul dem froats

Den he winc aul dem pinki iz and strayn to reech em noats

Lila, lala, masoona, lala-me remooze la’doo

Koomooy, koomooy, koomooy, shundala ipso-zoo

Shib, loomlee, loomtree, mmm cazooba da-bit

Kal’s bess wishez tu aul hoo reed dis dum shitt.

Click here to view novels by A. E. Lawrence

Copyright © 2016 Lawrence Entertainment Group

Freight!

Freight

(A step poem)

Oh, what a freight!

On a dark, stormy night

When inner demons come to call

To strike terror into one and all

So beware of these boogums and run away

Or you won't live to see another sunny day

But if you're really quick and up to speed

You will not need to hurt and bleed

So please take heed my dear friend

Or your precious life will end

In the shadows of night

Where souls take flight

Click here to view novels by A. E. Lawrence

Copyright © 2016 Lawrence Entertainment Group

Sunny Interlude

Sunny Interlude
(A free-form poem)

A mid-August, pale-blue showcase sky,

                      the sun a jewel

                              set at its highest blazing point.

Below, a gently swelling,

                                 shimmering,

                                            glassy sea

with looping, cinnamon-sand beaches

                 strung from pier

                                         to pier;

                 tiny waves lapping at the shore

                                 only to slip back

                and try again.

Brown cliffs crouched on a gray shale base;

                      Hazy-green hooks of land

                                       Curving away to horizons.

Tribes of sun-roasted Littles by the

                                     Water's edge,

                                                laughing,

                                                        yelling,

                      running off and coming back like

                                                       magnets at play;

                     jumping, hugging, teasing,

                                                     pushing gleefully,

                     trying to splash the lake away.

The Couple newly met

                     sitting on a colorful blanket;

                            senses attuned to the possibilities;

                                       hoping,

                                                 anticipating;

             their skin tender-tight with the Season;

                            savoring the scene,

                                        the redolent smells

                                                         of water and sand,

                                                         of flowery lotions,

            while pausing, unsure, hand-in-hand;

                                            then a look

                                            a sign,

                                            a response;

            two warm shadows mingle as their lips

                                            touch gently.

The day no longer exists

                         nor lonely pasts;

                          the moment is here;

                            the pleasure is theirs

                               to be stored in their heart

                                   like a bright,

                                       unforgettable

                                          Summer's day

                        Snap...shot.

Click here to view novels by A. E. Lawrence

Copyright © 2016 Lawrence Entertainment Group

My girlfriend the airhead (updates)

My Girlfriend the Airhead

One day, I told my girlfriend that while I was in the Air Force, I broke the sound barrier.

She said, “Oh, no!  Did you get into trouble over it?”

One day, I asked my girlfriend to change the burned-out bulb in my lamp.

So she took out the old bulb and put in another burned-out bulb.

One day, I told my girlfriend that both of my parents came from England.

She said, “Really?  Do you speak the language?”

One day, I told my girlfriend that my brother is a veterinarian.

She said, “What branch of the Service was he in?”

One day, my car was on the fritz so I asked my girlfriend to run down to the store and get me a six-pack.  It usually takes me about forty-five minutes to drive to and back from the store.  But it was almost an hour-and-a-half before she returned with the six-pack.  And she was sweating and out of breath.

One day, I told my girlfriend I broke my arm in three places.

She said, “Well, you should stay away from those places.”

One day, I told my girlfriend that I was starting a garden and was going into town to get a hoe.

She said, “I didn't know they did that kind of work.”

One day, I told my girlfriend that my cousin went to a dentist because he was having trouble masticating.

She said, “I didn't know dentists handled sex-related problems.”

One day my girlfriend and I were staring at the nighttime sky and I said, "There's a trillion stars up there."

She said, "I counted only twenty-two thousand five hundred and sixty-two."

One day I told my girlfriend that my cousin is a taxidermist

She said, “Doesn’t he work on anything but taxies?”

One day I told my girlfriend that my grandmother had been married three times.

She said, “My goodness!  Did she ever have any children?”

One day I told my girlfriend that I knew a minister who would marry us.
She said, "Both of us?"

One day I told my girlfriend that I used to belong to a musical group called the South Valley Barber Shop Quartet.
She said, "Wow!  How many singers were in your group?"

One day I told my girlfriend that my Aunt Grace is a sexagenarian.

She said, “At her age?”

One day I asked my girlfriend how her new job as an aircraft navigator was coming along.

She said, “I had to quit.  When I drove to work the first day, I couldn’t find the airport.”

One day I told my girlfriend that I am a pessimist.

She said, “I’m a Protestant.”

One day, being a lover of classical music, I asked my girlfriend if she liked Puccini.

She said, “I don’t know.  I never tried it.  But I do like linguini.”

Click here to view novels by A. E. Lawrence

Copyright © 2016 Lawrence Entertainment Group